I am not religious. Well, not really. I was raised Catholic — even went to Catholic school for 8 years. Maybe that’s where my absolute love of knee socks started? Seriously. I love them. I love winter because I can wear them. I love my fancy SmartWool ones. I love my knee socks that were $2 at Target. I love them all. It’s like giving your leg a little hug all day! I am not even kidding about that, lame as it sounds.
Wait, where was I? Ah, Lent. Anyway. I never made it through Confirmation and wandered away from the church when I was in junior high. I just never felt at home there.
Philip isn’t very religious either, despite coming from a very Catholic background. We were married outside in a Lutheran ceremony and had our children baptized by a friend who is a minister. Those were the right choices for us and our family, and I am happy about them.
But for some reason, when Lent rolled around this year, I decided it was a good excuse to try to detox from my insane sugar habit. And I mean insane. I’m a sugar hound. I always have been — I ate a bowl of sugary delicious cereal every night before bed for like the first 30 years of my life. And for me, pregnancy = Cap’n Crunch cereal by the boxful every day.
(Aside: Cap’n Crunch is going to stop being marketed. How sad is that? This better not be the beginning of the end for the cap’n, my cap’n. Also: I have never let Jack eat that crap. He gets Kix or Cheerios. Sorry, kid!)
But it had just become really bad lately. I was hitting the office candy jars about a billion times a day, spreading out my visits so it wouldn’t be too obvious. I mean, really, it was starting to feel like I was an addict scamming doctors and pharmacists for painkillers.
So, I decided that I was giving up junk for Lent. I just needed a good reason to do it, and a length of time that was reasonable.
Because giving up sugar for all of eternity is just not an option, OK?
I had to define “sugar.” I decided office candy jars definitely are sugar. The vending machine? Sugar. Delicious baked goods in the conference room? Sweet jesus, that’s sugar, too. But wait … what about baked goods I make? Hmm … I decided I could eat the banana bread I made this past weekend (and there went a loaf of banana bread). I also decided I could eat the Nutty Bars I won in a bet with my husband.
I am pretty sure the Nutty Bars were cheating. And the sugar cookie I shared with my son after a parade this weekend. I suck at Lent. I also literally poured granola down my throat the other day, desperate for the little bits of dried fruit with sugar on them.
When the hell is Easter, anyway? Because I am totally doing Easter baskets this year. And no applesauce and raisins, the boring treats we usually give our kiddo. No way. Jelly beans all the way, baby.
I’m buying a shitload of jelly beans. And big old chocolate bunnies. And peanut butter eggs. Oh, and those Cadbury Cream Eggs. And I’m going to eat them all. Just stand there and gorge myself until I feel ill.
Because that’s the spirit of the season, right?